If you have been following me for a couple years now you’ve probably seen the countless lovey dovey photos with Kevin and I. But before that, I had a very rough time with a past relationship. Heartbreak sucks and there’s no getting around it. I still remember the feeling, moment, time, nearly everything when I went through my past heartbreak. It’s a kind of pain I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. There’s something about trauma that sticks so clearly in our minds where we can think back and it’ll feel like yesterday. But here’s the silver lining, time heals all. That’s what I’d say to my friends during their hard times and even repeat to myself when I would curl up on the couch with a box of tissues and every Audrey Hepburn movie I could get my hands on. “Nothing lasts forever… time heals all.” Your greatest triumph comes after your greatest trial.
Heartbreak is, sadly, part of life. If we didn’t experience the bad, we wouldn’t know the good. And without bad or good, we’d just be living, emotionless, stale, robotic. It’s not a pretty thing to go through but I promise you will come out stronger than ever before. My last heartbreak taught me many things I didn’t actually realize when I was in the midst of it. Only until enough time had passed, I finally got a clearer picture of the toxicity I was not only adding to our relationship, but that was our relationship in general.
1. No Trust
We had no trust in our relationship. I thought it was all his fault because I had caught him doing risky things; however, I took a step back even further and was able to notice I never let him breathe. I was young and immature and had trust issues from way back before I ever even knew him. This was something I brought into the relationship which, in turn, was catastrophic. You have to be willing to trust the other person, only then can you be at peace. Ask yourself if your bringing negativity into the relationship by assuming rather than knowing.
2. Lack of Communication
When I say “lack” I really mean anger. Yelling doesn’t solve anything, yet that was a big part of my past relationship. Think about it, when has there ever been a good outcome from yelling? Yet it’s one of the most common human frailties. Everyone wants to feel heard and important, and if we don’t feel that way we become upset, naturally. But as Buddha said, “Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love.” If you argue and contradict you may achieve victory but it will ultimately be empty because you’ll never get your partner’s good will. Avoid an argument and listen, then speak calmly. It takes practice but it’ll be so worth it!
3. Give Sincere Appreciation
How many times do you thank your partner for doing even a small gesture like bringing you a coffee? I never gave any appreciation in my past relationship because I didn’t feel valued. Which, in turn, lead to more distance in our relationship. One quality I pride myself on is the ability to take a step back and look at an argument from the other person’s perspective. I can take criticism well and revert it to my behavior from a third-person point-of-view. Try to take a step back and see things from another perspective, it could really help clarify things.
That being said, some guys are honestly just a**holes and if none of the above make you think twice, that’s when you need to drop him for good. Getting over a heartbreak is going to be one of the tougher things you’ll go through in your life, and I know the end of the world feeling very well, but when I got through mine it clarified things and actually turned me into a better person because I not only saw the flaws in him, I saw the flaws in myself and made a change. I always make sure I give appreciation to the person I love, I have zero trust issues in Kevin’s and my relationship because after that I decided to trust no matter what unless someone actually gave me a reason not to, and I don’t want to say I “never” yell because it really is just simply human but it is extremely rare. If you’re going through a breakup, here are some things I recommend that I wish I knew having gone through mine:
- Do not take to social media about it. The sad quotes, sexy selfies, etc. It is never acceptable and will only weaken your persona. He does not deserve the satisfaction of knowing your feelings! (And believe me, he’ll know it’s directed at him when suddenly a random selfie goes up. And it will only add fuel to the fire, I promise you. Don’t do it!)
- This is not the end for you. This does not define who you are. I know you’re feeling low but going through this will prove to yourself how strong you actually are! What helped me was self-help books & each day I wrote 3 things I loved about myself and what was in my life. Also this: “If you are depressed you are living in the past, if you are anxious you are living in the future, if you are at peace you are living in the present.”
- Do not text him. Let me say that again, Do. Not. Text. Him. Here’s why… You’re going to have weaker and stronger moments. Stronger when you’re angry and wanting to go out drinking with girlfriends, weaker when you’re at home alone, maybe hungover, maybe not, and suddenly reminded of something from the past that is making you miss him. Bam, you decide to send out a text. Right when you send it you’ll put your phone down, wait 5 minutes, pick it back and up and keep looking with anxiety, waiting, wondering if you should have sent it in the first place. Then he’s likely to give a lackluster reply and you’re right back to square one again. Do not text him.
- Take up a hobby once a week. I tried a bunch of different things during my breakup. Including starting a blog… You never know what will come of it!
- You got this! We’ve been there, we know your pain. You may think it’s different but that’s how everyone feels. Just know, in the end, you will come out a stronger, happier person!
I hope this post helped clarify things and give you a sense of relief if you’re going through a tough time right now. Let me know your thoughts in the comments below! What would you like to hear about? Xx