Where I’ve Been

2018-02-12

www.loveambervictoria.com

 

 

I really debated pressing “publish” on this post only because I feel it’s so personal and I didn’t want to be judged any further than I already have been. However, if you’re reading this I obviously pressed that button and now here we are.

 

 

I’ve mentioned my struggle with anxiety before and how I tend to let the little things get to me. I’ve always been like this. Something that was new to me though was depression. I had been told that often anxiety and depression go hand-in-hand, but that was never my experience with anxiety. I never had a struggle with motivation; in fact, people would often tell me I was one of the most motivated people that they knew. Every day I would juice, go to the gym, work on my blog, email, attend events or meetings, and make plans/ set goals. Yet, this all came crashing down as of a few months ago.

 

 

You wouldn’t know from looking at my Instagram {more proof that Instagram really isn’t reality} but I have been struggling with depression for some time now. Getting out of bed in the morning was extremely difficult for me, I would sleep 10 hours a day, I completely gave up on the gym and lost all of my progress, I was eating extremely unhealthy -whenever I did eat because I rarely had time- and I struggled with self-acceptance. I was unhappy with everything and in return, bitter with the world. This is something I still struggle with today. Although I’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and I wanted to share with you how I did that. Depression is a dark, dark place and very hard to get out of. But first, why did I fall into depression? I took a look at things that brought this on.

 

 

I never said “no.” When I made the move to New York I literally said “yes” to everything. I wanted to do everything and be everywhere. Any invite that came my way, any email that landed in my inbox, any party I had heard of, I was there. And rightfully so, I moved to a new city and wanted to get my name out there. What I didn’t consider, though, was the time for myself and I was leaving none of that open. There was no time for the gym, which I love, rest and relaxation, or wellness. I was literally working myself into oblivion. *To the people who have FOMO: You would die in New York.*

 

 

Moving has allowed me to meet people who I otherwise never would have met but it has also underlined my insecurity. This is a place where there are many more successful, beautiful, and cut throat people than I. Make one mistake and that’s it. I’ve made a couple… but I’ve also learned. Smile {even when you don’t feel like it}, kiss cheeks and be pleasant at all times.

 

 

We {speaking for bloggers} are in an industry where likes and engagement literally determine our job. This becomes our world and it becomes increasingly hard not to compare yourself. Something that I’ve struggled with for a long time.

 

 

Finally, NYFW. I truly believe Fashion Week brews insecurity and competition. It’s a place in which people go and feel the wrath of “status” at its all time high.

 

This person got front row seats but I didn’t. She got an invite to so-and-so’s show but I didn’t. She didn’t say hi to me. Are we walking out together? What is everyone doing after this? Am I going to be asked for a photo by a photographer? My friend was asked but I wasn’t. Is my outfit not cute enough? Is it not as high fashion as hers? Why didn’t she have to wait in line but I do?

 

These are just a few things going through my mind during this week. NYFW was something I used to get excited about; playing dress up, running into celebrities, asking to have my photo taken, it all seemed so glamorous. In reality, it’s high school. It’s a popularity contest. Because of this, I only plan on attending a very small number of shows, one’s that I feel I can handle. Someone once told me that it’s something I “have” to do. That I need to make my mark in this industry and I do it by attending the shows. Wrong. I’m not going to fake a smile and pretend I hate photos even though I dress up to the nine’s and walk around for photographers to take my photo and hopefully land in Vogue. That isn’t what running a blog is about to me. {Yes, landing in Vogue would be amazing} but I started my blog as a way to express myself and my love for personal style. I wanted to lift others up and make them feel inspired through my stories, style, and tips. And putting myself in the midst of something I feel is so negative is only going against myself and my blog’s integrity. This is how I truly feel. It’s out for the world to judge and pick apart.

 

 

How I’m slowly beating my depression: 

 

  • I’m finding the balance of when to say “yes” and when to say “no”. I’m making sure I have time for myself.
  • Despite me wanting to sleep in every day, I’m forcing myself to make time for the gym and drink one protein shake a day. Exercise releases endorphins which triggers a positive feeling in the body. I truly saw a major difference once I forced myself to go to the gym. It wasn’t easy but once I did it was almost like a chain reaction. I started cooking healthy meals for myself, and finding more energy throughout the day.
  • As for Instagram, I know it sounds completely ridiculous to someone who is not in our industry, and it’s much easier said than done, but training the mind not to worry about the engagement is one constant struggle I’ll always have. Some people buy their likes and followers because of the pressure, which is a whole other topic. That being said, I’ve had talks about this with every single person I’ve met in this industry and we all feel the same. It’s just something we need to learn to cope and live with.
  • I put inspirational/ motivational quotes around my room on sticky notes which really helps keep me motivated.
  • Along with forcing myself to go to the gym, I make sure I mark just one thing off of my list each day. I get overwhelmed with all of the things going on but even just checking off one thing helps.
  • Making lists also helps.
  • Make someone smile. I bought a kind homeless man and his dog food the other day. His smile literally made me smile. Small gestures do make a difference.
  • I remind myself of all the good things happening in my life and the progress I have made thus far. Give yourself more credit!

 

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